Where the mudd girls are pretty and the boys are too.

Dear friends and family,
I want to tell the truth;
I am terrified
Absolutely, down to the core terrified
It's a numbing, freezing, ice cold fear
That whenever I try to reach it
See if it's still there
Bursts open and takes me in
I don't know what to do
What way to choose
Go for it
But this luxurious life style calls for more
Let it go
But I can't seem to
This fucking fear

While today, I was feeling completely into place, here in Strasbourg.
Knowing what I need; traveling, seeing the world, doing something that I'm good at (taking care of a kid), liking myself, knowing that I'm a good person and I'm doing well.
But now my heart aches again.
And I would love to write songs. Let them pop out, like they used to. Please. My heart aches.

Talk to your friends about it

"Not ok"

If that is where it ends, that's fine.
If that is where dialoque opens, that's great.

Talk to your friends about it.
People can handle shit and bad weather.

I tripped and fell.
For weeks on end there was a moment in every single day, where I stopped what I was doing, sighed, and told myself, or whoever was around, "I'm just so happy" (als in 'gelukkig', niet gewoon 'blij')
Freedom, the sun, nanny, Jinte, everything and nothing.
We made a big calender, so we know what, where and when, and I could wake up everyday and decide what to do that day.
I haven't felt like that during such a long period of time for years now.
So liberating.

Until one day and one talk just knocked me over.
I got a headache and heartache now, and I can't get it out.
I can tell Jinte, and he understands, but that doesn't make it better.
And there is no one else I feel like I can tell that

I feel so lonely

And I'm sick and tired of everyone around me being stuck in their own negativity.
People like me for being positive, but they don't know that inside I'm clinching my teeth and raising my anger, cause they keep on talking negative, and sucking me out.
Fucking Succubi

I love meeting strangers
Correction: I loved meeting strangers
But then people around me got jealous, cause I lost sight of them. And they called me "social" and flirty and what not
So I built a little wall
Which I - luckily - hop over as soon as I realise the stranger is worth talking to, and the conversation will lift me up. (but that hardly ever happens anymore)

And I miss Casper.
He enlightens me with our talks.
Besides Jinte (luckily I have him around), he is the only one talking about dreams, being confident and positive.
I feel like (and that is what makes Jinte long to move away from this little town) everyone that is still here, are just people who still don't know. Who had dreams, but failed, or got frustrated. And now everyone is swimming backwards. Gossipping, diving into negativity.
And it effects me enormously.

I told her that I can't do it like that.
Being seized like that.
After seeing eachother almost every day for the past week
I need my space
I need to take care of myself
And Jinte
And then her
She needed me badly, appaerantly, but there was so little of me left.
And she even told me straight out.
"If it's just for a lousy coffee or tea, then nevermind."
How can anyone say that.
This bucket of mine fills with drops, and if you take a big scoop out of it everyday, it's not going to be full when you want it to be. There are others who also need me. I need me too.

She spent her jokers
There's always something heavy going on
"I'm not heavy"
- "You honestly think you're not..?
.......You are.. You really are. And it's very heavy for me"
And she 's not taking it in, or taking it to herself.
"I feel like you haven't really been around"
- "We met almost every day!"
"But you weren't really there. I felt like there were a million things going on in your head"
- "All there was, was this monkey with symbals cheering I'M HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY"
Now I'm tired. And I feel sick.
I told her I was so sick of all the drama, and everything I wrote before.
But it doesn't solve anything.

I told her that I didn't understand how people didn't think about what they actually want to tell the other person, before they just blabber everything out.
I try to think about what parts of the story would be nice to hear.
That's why - in this condition - I can't speak and everything just tumbles back inside.
Because there is no fun in this.
And communication fails
And people are so impatient.

I want to meet the boy by the schoolfence.
A stranger to take my mind out of this circle.
Hope he's there tomorrow.
I'm going to say hi.
And that I have a boyfriend.
But that he just looks so nice. Like a good, warm and positive person.

Maybe I should call that number and fix an appointment.
Maybe this isn't normal behavior and someone can help me.
Maybe baby
I got London Grammar singing in my head.

I can't find a balance
I'm a very social but very introvert person.
And it clashes so hard right now.
Tags: ,

June 2011

Me: (20.06.2011)
"I'm sad.
I don't want to cry, but I do."
Him: (28.06.2011)
"yep im sad too."
Me: (29.06.2011)
"I can't remember writing that..
Or maybe I do
Things fall apart and come back together again
I'm happy again. The sun is out, it's my last working week, and I'm going on a holiday to France on Saturday. Reading books by the pool
You should go skinnydipping with your friends, and stay up too late, until the sun starts shining again and drink whiskey, but not too much
Gather the people you like and care about around you


And it goes round and round.


Heavy Heart




(no subject)
I'm so completely stuck inside myself it's embarrassing
Woke up again with a headache, my love's in LA or 5 days
I can't write songs, cause I feel like I've got nothing to say and everyone will judge me now
My head hurts

And.. Action!
Turning 25 was the best thing that could ever happen
Had a wonderful birthweek (yes, a whole week), thanks to my favorite person in the world.
Saw my dear nannykids again, who I missed so muched. They're like my little brothers, and they're awesome.
We're moving to an amazing apartment tomorrow, with lots of light, and a view over the park.
Enjoying calm, last days with my housemates. Not giving a fuck about the mess they're always making, since I'm leaving.
Love Like Birds is on a roll!
Got the help of my friends to create The White Room Session:

That got a 1000 views in 1,5 days.
Part 1 and 2 will be online soon. The audio for those is being mixed as I'm typing.
I had an amazing show last night, at one of my how-amazing-would-it-be-if-I-could-ever-play-on-that-stage/festival called Feeërieën (it's a kiosk, in the middle of a park, surrounded by trees, filled with birds and cosy lights). I took my time forming the words and spreading them out, not letting terrible feedback make me insecure.
Got a great review today
Announced our tour with Dark Dark Dark

(see: http://lovelikebirds.wordpress.com/ for dates and other stuff)
I'm trying to make CD and DVD sleeves for our single and The White Room Session to give to the radiostation naxt Tuesday and hopefully they'll play our new single.
I got to register for my new school year, but everything is so completely at it's place, no stress, no worries, no lack of time, so I'm scared to jinx it and get too much weight on my shoulders again..
Life is great.
It's absolutely great.
Good fucking karma.

I'm reading The Flying Troutmans by Miriam Toews, and I recommand it to everyone.
Never heard of her before, but it reads like a speedtrain and it's sad but heartwarming. Perfect.

I'm gonna get more boxes at the store, I have so much stuff..

I love!
And you.
And life.
Mostly you.
Fuck, I'm high on endorfines or something. If I wasn't that tired from everything that happened and is happening, I'd be running up the walls.

I wonder if a graph of my moods in golden VS dark blue
or dry VS salty
awake VS zombie
would make me even sadder, cause it is that much as I fear it has been

I need to learn how to balance
I take on too much, always
I need to find a structure
The only structure now is: keep you to do-list in hand and do it all, right now
I miss reading
Laying down and think about nothing
Having a good night sleep
Be free of worries

I wake up more tired every morning, while I sleep 8-9 hours
My dreams haunt me, and use up all the energy I should get from sleeping

I'm trying to be positive, talk about what bothers me to others
Plan ahead, make schedules, visualise what I have to do
Even take foodsupplements that should help control stress better (better sleep, more emotional stabile,...)
I'm trying
This education takes 2 years in total
I'm almost in half now, but I'm crashing
I want to skip it and go ahead in my music, be happy and calm again
Continue working as a nanny, and maybe some hours at the café
I want to see my friends again and not be locked away all the time
I want to be a fun girlfriend
I want to be happy again.

"You already said that."
- "OK"
Make the lock-my lips-and-throw-away-the-key-sign
But my half outspoken words tumble back in and are crawling on the inside of my stomach
I'm tired. I need to rest
I can buy anything, but time
I need time, silence, space

It's horrible,
but sometimes a scene in real life takes a twist in my head and I see something horrible happening
and I crash
Lay down and sob like a baby
and I'm allowed, cause everyone'll understand
and everyone will help and leave me alone
That's horrible

My teeth and cheeks hurt
Didn't realise I was clinching

I need silence
An open field
And at least a week

Come on, come on, come on

Generations / Him
Has it always been this much for everybody
For our parents
For our grandparents
Couldn't they have warned us
Or did they forget
Like I do, the instant it finishes
Or starts
Forget what it was like even a day before
He went to LA
Came back
Flew to NY and arrived in Texas today
And I'm so jealous. I wish I could just take a plane, train, car, bike, whatever
While he's feeling sick, and homesick
I have never missed someone, like I miss him; right away.
Feel like it's been a month without him, but he's only been gone since Friday
And I'm not sad, since he feels the same and our homes are in eachothers warmth
But fuck, I wish I could tell everyone, and all the time, that I'm so fucking happy that I love him so, and he loves me so.
Yes, the girl who cries love (like boy cries wolf), but I've been living in the same house as him for exactly 1,5 years now, in which we were separated for about 30-40 days in total
And I even look forward to seeing him when I go to school, or for coffee with friends.
I never, ever, ever get bored of him.
And I can't really tell anyone, cause no-one cares that much for details of happiness.
If you're sad, they let you talk for hours,
but happiness is good enough on itself, and then people are calm you're ok, and that's it
But Christ, I love him so.
I love it.

I'm living right in the middle of it
Is what I think, before the split second after which I realise that I've thought this a hundred times
A thousand

I can watch all these blogs I listed, and feel this hungry longing coming up
A pulling towards "not good enough", "it could all be in blurry or sepia colours"
And yes, it could be, in hindsight
When everything I'd do was captured in pictures that way and the filmrolled is developped

So, the truth is that I'm living all these dreamy moments.
No need for sad longing.

And I can not forget
Best thing; he makes me remember
Everytime I'm around him,
in reality or in thought
He trusts me in a way that I can not act different than just do the same
He thinks I can, why shouldn't I

In nights when I broke, and the weight on my shoulders got me down
"Are you ok?"
In darkness I nodd a silent 'no'
And he's right there, bends over me, like a beautiful, warm shelter
"I can't.." I cry out in silent salty whispers
"I have no energy left. It's all too much, and I already quit what could be quit; Swedish and dancelessons, seeing friends (since my lover is my best friend, he supplies me with all the social contact humans need). I can't. I'm empty. Batteries run out."
He hears me out. He always hears me out
With this soft smile. Even on the darkest of darkest moments
A dark, warm, but slightly mocking smile.
A kind of "my silly, silly girl"-smile
And then he takes the word.
Soft, warm, comforting
And he brings me back.
Helps me arm up against the monsters that tend to gather in my chest sometimes
When lack of sleep makes me weak and weary

He lays my head on his shoulder
My nose in this warm cup in his neck
He whispers my body to sleep and I sink away

Love Like Birds
Putting all of my time into this:

and you.
How I miss you when you're not in the house.

The truth
(him): You really are the saddest girl I know.
(me): Ok. But only sometimes. At other times, I'm the happiest one.
We're changing weatherkids, but always help eachother for the better.
My lover, my best friend.

Pukkelpop 2011
I've never this scared in my whole life.
Luckily we all got home safe.
When nature gets angry.

Flashbacks and stomachaches.

Your bed looks like a lake with those blue covers and blue swan on that white sheet.

- "I'm just a bit lost."
You are not lost!
- "Yes, I am. Sometimes."

(no subject)
And what happens when the carer needs care?

They asked what I wanted on my rider.
My very first rider.
"As in "What do I want to find backstage"-rider?
- Yep.

Haha, yey.
So I asked for Fruit, candy, coffee, coke (as in coca cola), fanta, and whiskey.
I really, really hope I get the whiskey :D
I feel a bit badass. My first rider.
You got to start off right, right?


I have my own songs on repeat
A good recording, after a year.


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